And Yet She Stays
by a-proud-fangirl
Summary: They never had a proper time to grieve for all the events they had been through, from their childhood until the Promised Day. One-shot. Royai.


**I wrote this as a birthday gift to lisa-mustang! BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRIEND! I'm sorry it it was a few days late tho hahaha you know how busy I am with life. Anyway, you asked for this! (But no smut okay sorry I don't know how to write smut.) I hope that this will help you pass Physics. ;)**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, sadly.**

* * *

He suddenly awoke and sat bolt upright in bed, his right hand was clutching his chest while his left hand ran through his hair. His heart was beating erratically. _Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out._ He told himself as his eyes darted around the surrounding, and he drew a sigh of relief when he saw that he was at her bedroom and not back at Father's lair.

Out of all the nightmares that he has, Roy Mustang hates this the most.

She was sleeping peacefully. Her hair was sprawled all over her pillow and her face, covering its features that he loved. Riza Hawkeye was oblivious to the state that her lover was in, and he wouldn't have it any other way. Her back was to him, the tattoo and her scars were staring right at his face. He closed his eyes as flashbacks of the day he burned her back entered his mind. And usually that event was one of the main scenarios of his nightmares, but recently that took a back seat. There was a new and recurring scene in his dreams, and he didn't want her to know that.

"Roy?" she asked. Sleep was evident in her voice. He felt her body move as he slowly opened his eyes. Riza was now facing him; her eyes blinked as they adjusted to the moonlight shining directly at his face. "Why are you awake? What's going on?"

"Just had one of my nightmares. I'll be fine, don't worry."

She stared at his eyes for a few seconds before she tugged his arm, motioning him to lie down. He wrapped his arms around her as soon as he lied down, and she heaved a sigh of content as sleep consumed her again. Roy hugged her tight; he did not want her to worry by knowing that he was having a new nightmare. Along with four other painful memories in his life, the picture of Riza lying down in her own pool of blood was now forever etched in his mind. He kissed her forehead before sleep took hold of him.

* * *

Roy woke up to the smell of bacon and eggs. It was a Sunday, the only time Roy and Riza had time for themselves. He put on his pants before heading to the kitchen.

Riza was wearing the shirt he wore last night and her hair was still messy – she was attractive.

"Do you want to tell me what nightmare you had?" she asked as he sat down.

Nightmare number 1 was about how he witnessed his parents' got stabbed by a thief. Nightmare number 2 was his whole experience in Ishval. Nightmare number 3 featured Riza and how he burned the tattoo on her back. Nightmare number 4 showed the death of Maes Hughes. And nightmare number 5… it was about the events on the Promised Day.

"Nightmare number 2," was his only reply.

The look on Riza's face told him that she knew he was lying, yet she didn't push him into telling her. He also knew that she was slightly hurt, but still he wasn't used to opening up to her about these nightmares. Riza spends the majority of her life worrying about him; he didn't want to burden her.

* * *

Months have passed, and it still continued.

He would always have nightmare number 5, and then he would wake up in the middle of the night, with a heart beating fast and a shirt drenched in sweat like he just ran in a marathon. Riza would always be there beside him, either whispering reassuring words or just sleeping, reminding him that she was alive. She only knew a few things about his nightmares, it was better to keep it that way.

"You do know that I'm here for you, right?" she always asked, and he would just nod in reply. Sometimes, Roy would wonder. When will she stop asking that question? When will he be brave enough to tell her that until now, he was afraid that he will lose her? "I won't leave," she always reminded him.

* * *

They visited Berthold Hawkeye's grave one day. Fuhrer Grumman gave the team an undercover mission near the town where they both lived during their childhood years. It was Riza's first time to visit the town since the day she left for the military. She asked Roy to accompany her in the cemetery and in their old home before they head home. He knew why she asked – she did not want to go there alone. He wondered if she was still having nightmares of her father.

"I should've bought a knife to cut down these weeds," she muttered to herself. The grave was well maintained, except for a few weeds. The cemetery probably has a caretaker. Roy looked at Riza as she placed a bunch of flowers on her father's grave. "It's been a while, Father…" He was surprised to hear her voice crack. "It's been a while."

She remained silent. Roy thought that the time had come when Riza came to truly mourn her father's death but when he saw her eyes he knew that wasn't the case. She wasn't looking at her father's tombstone; she was looking at the grass.

He realized that seeing her father again wasn't the reason why she visited his grave.

"Oh, and Roy's already a flame alchemist, Father. I thought you should know." She lifted her head and caught him staring at her. "Do you have anything to say?"

What would he say to the man who tattooed his research on his daughter's back? What would he say to the man that constantly appeared on her daughter's nightmares?

"Nothing," he said. "It's getting late in the afternoon, Riza. We probably should go."

She heaved a sigh, and returned her gaze to her father's name. Roy noticed how she whispered his name before turning her back on it.

"Let's go."

Those were the last words she uttered as they exited the cemetery. Outside, the place looked different than before, he noticed. There were new houses, and new people that they did not know. He can tell that Riza was grateful for this. These were people who didn't know who she was before.

"You okay?"

She looked at him and nodded, squeezing his arm to reassure him. Roy wanted to know what was going on, but it did not seem fair when he wasn't telling her about his own state either. Instead, he took the hand that was on his arm and held it tight. She looked confused when he held her hand but when the realization that they weren't in uniform dawned on her face she intertwined their fingers in response. Nobody knew them there; he could hold her hand to give her the support she needed. And she was grateful for that.

"Do we still have time to head to the house?"

* * *

Riza sold the estate to an old couple before she left for the military. When she told Roy about this during one of their days at Ishval, he envied them. They bought the estate so that they can peacefully live together for the rest of their years. Their three children were settled in Central City, and they visited the couple monthly. Roy remembered the dreams he had that were similar to the life the old couple was living – dreams that involved his blonde childhood friend. Ishval crushed that dream into fine particles of sand and scattered in in places he cannot see. He knew that there was no way they both can live peacefully when even seeing ordinary objects can trigger certain painful memories in their lives. This house was a witness to one of those.

The old couple died recently due to a sickness that was infectious in the town a couple of weeks ago. The house caretaker, who knew Riza and Roy back when they were still teenagers, allowed them to visit the estate that day. It felt foreign yet familiar, Roy mused. The house looked brand new, yet he can still remember where every room was located.

"It feels weird being here again."

Riza did not look at him as he spoke. She was looking at pictures that were hanged on the wall – the caretaker hadn't removed the old couple's stuff yet. Roy studied Riza's face; he saw the tiny bit of envy on her face. This house felt very… homey, which was unlike the atmosphere back their childhood days. It made him wonder what if Berthold Hawkeye was a more attentive father back then.

"I feel like we're intruding," she said. "But I don't know - I really felt that I need to go here."

Riza sat down on one of the couches in the living room. She leaned against the back of the couch and closed her eyes, unmoving. One would have thought that she was already asleep, but Roy knew the sound of her breathing when she was sleeping. He wanted to know her thoughts. He wanted to know how she was feeling. But after everything they have been through together, why was he hesitating only now?

"Ri, are you okay?" he asked as he sat down on the couch beside her. Riza opened her eyes and grabbed his hand, pulling him close. She laid her head on his shoulder as she traced her fingers over the scar on the back of his right hand, which he got from his fight with Lust. He pressed his lips against her hair as he waited for her to reply.

"Yeah, I'm totally fine," she said, in a tired whisper.

"You are perfectly aware that I know you are lying, right?" he said, hoping that she will come to telling him about what was bothering her. Roy knew that it was unfair that she did not know about what his nightmare number 5, but he wanted to be the only one doing the worrying.

"Coming from you huh, Mr. 'I'm fine'?" she teased, but there was something in her voice that wasn't in the mood for joking. They stayed silent for a while, watching the hands of the clock move as the sun set between the mountains outside.

"Well, what are you thinking about right now?" he asked. Her hand that was tracing his scar tensed. He did not want her to feel alone in whatever she was going through. He wanted to know, he wanted to worry for her like what she had been doing for him.

"I know, Roy," she said. It was his turn to become tense. Riza hesitated for a few seconds before speaking again. "I know that you already have a nightmare number 5."

The silence a moment ago returned. He knew he already became tense, but his mind was too occupied to move. He always knew that this would happen. They had known each other _for a long time_ – more than half of their lives. Yet, he somehow wished that she wouldn't know. What a very impossible wish. She knew how to read just like how he could read her. And there it was again, the unbidden memory of the Promised Day entering his mind. He held her hand so tight to remind him that she was still there, but _her blood_ …

She hugged him.

She hugged him so tight that he couldn't breathe, and he inhaled the scent of her hair. She was his anchor from the memories that continued to plague his mind. He felt her fingers tangle in his hair, and he felt safe.

A jumble of those painful memories flashed in his mind again. He did not know how to make them stop. And for the first time, he showed Riza how much these memories affected him until now.

He cried.

For the first time in months he cried.

Riza's sleeve was becoming wet with his tears, but she did not pull away. He felt the nape of his neck become wet as well. She was also crying.

"You're not alone in this, Roy," she said. "Always remember that."

She pulled away from his embrace and moved her face closer to his as she kissed the traces of tears on his cheeks. He chuckled, what a peculiar couple they were – bonded by memories people would not want to experience.

"I don't want you to worry," Roy said. "I don't want you to worry about me that much."

With a faint laugh, she shook her head. She still looked beautiful after crying, Roy thought as he wiped the tears off her face.

"Roy, I love you," she said. And even though she had told him that a million times, it still brought tingles down his spine. "It also means that I will never stop worrying."

"I love you too," he whispered, before giving her a small kiss on the lips. "And it also means that I don't want you to worry too much!"

Her eyebrows were locked with a frown as she touched the left side of his face, her eyes gazing into his. He loved staring at those strong, doe-like, brown eyes. She leaned her forehead into his and sighed. He can feel her breath on his lips.

"There's a reason why I asked you to come with me here," she said. "I really need to come here."

He waited for her to explain. She released her hold on him and sat straight.

"This place… it has been appearing on some of my nightmares," she said. "It always has."

He knew about her nightmares, and she knew about his. But this is the first time they will have a much deeper talk about it. She told him how her childhood, particularly her father, appeared on her nightmares.

She was still in pain, Roy can tell. His mind flashed back to their childhood days, to Master Hawkeye's cold attitude towards his daughter, and Riza trying her very damn best to make her father _love_ her again. Roy thought that maybe that was the reason why she allowed his father to tattoo her back, and he hated Master Hawkeye for _using_ her.

"He tattoos his research on my back for countless times," Riza narrated her nightmares. "And I can still feel the pain, it never goes away."

She stopped speaking and there were tears forming in her eyes. Riza averted her eyes and stared at the floor. He wiped the tears that were threatening to fall.

"He's gone, Ri," he said. "It won't happen again."

"I know, but it still feels fresh even though it happened years ago," she replied. "And there are dreams wherein he tells me that I was wrong for giving the secrets of flame alchemy to you."

Ishval flashed back on his mind. The screams of plea from the Ishvallans he killed ringed in his head. He saw the dead bodies, and the burned smell of flesh entered his nose. Master Hawkeye might be right; he used flame alchemy to murder innocent people. And not only that, he also dragged his teacher's daughter into that hellhole.

"I'm sorry."

She didn't tell him that he shouldn't apologize, because she also committed the same mistakes that he did. They both murdered innocent people, and there was no way to fully atone for their atrocities.

He grabbed her hand once more, and held it tight as he waited for her to speak. He heard her heave a sigh before continuing.

"But now, this nightmare took a back seat," she said. "And this new nightmare… I don't like it one bit. I'm hoping that, maybe after going back here that new nightmare will be replaced by the old one."

"What do you mean?" Roy asked. "You would want to dream about your father again?"

She nodded slowly.

"I am already used to my father appearing in my nightmares," Riza said. "And, he's gone. I know that he won't torment me again. But," she took a deep breath before speaking. "I'm afraid that this new nightmare will happen. There is a possibility that it will."

It reminded him of his nightmare number 5.

There was a possibility that he will lose Riza, just like how it almost came to that during the events on the Promised Day - when he was about to kill Envy and when she bled to death.

"I kept on dreaming about what would happen if shot you back at Father's lair," she confessed. "I kept on dreaming about your throat being sliced instead of mine. I don't want those nightmares, Roy."

Her voice broke in despair, as if she was pleading for him to remove those nightmares from her mind. Roy desperately wanted to, but how could he, when he himself has his own version of nightmares wherein she was the one dying? He wanted to cry again; this might be the only opportunity they can do so. This could be the only time they can stop pretending that memories of the Promised Day stopped haunting them.

"Do you know what my nightmare number 5 is?" Riza shook her head. "Well, it was similar to yours. The only difference was that you were the one…"

She understood it right away.

"Gods," he muttered. "If only I could erase your nightmares, I will."

"I will also do you the same favor, if only I can," she replied.

They did not say anything for the longest time; they just looked at each other, grateful for the fact that they were both alive. There were still tears forming in her eyes, and he knew that his eyes mirrored hers. If crying was the only thing they can do right now to ease the pain, then they will.

"We shouldn't hide this from each other next time, okay?" Riza asked, and he just nodded in reply.

And before he knew it he pulled her close to him and kissed her. He kissed her just as their tears began to fall. He can taste their mixed tears, and it was painful. They never had a proper time to grieve for all the events they had been through, from their childhood until the Promised Day.

She kissed him back with equal fervor. They kissed like it would be their last. They kissed like it would make their demons go away. They kissed like it was something they cannot have. Their lips sealed the promise that next time they will face those demons together.

The nightmares never stopped coming. Roy would still wake up with his heart beating fast and his shirt drenched with sweat. Riza would be there to hold him tight and remind him that she was still alive. And he also did the same to her. The never ending cycle of pain goes on and on.

But as time goes by that pain became bearable because of her. She always knew the right words to say. She always knew the right thing to do. And as he drifted off to sleep while holding her in his arms, he was thankful that she never left his side.

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